In an effort to head off UKIP surge Cameron promises return of Terry + June, Old English Spangles & white dog poo

All OBEs for services to the entertainment industry awarded between 1969 and 1980 subject to immediate review

Police Cautions to be phased out, replaced by new ‘Clip Round The Ear’ penalty

In sweeping legislation, all children named after beverages, cars or celebrities to be renamed Geoff

ALCOHOL: Duty to be reduced to 0.5% on Bitter & Light Ale but increased to 320% on Lager, Alcopops & ‘anything foreign’

Entire Arts budget to be diverted to colossal sculpture of two fingers rampant to be sited at Dover

New IT Policy: Entire Internet to be shredded and left in a hedge

All comments on news articles to be prefaced BY LAW with the word ‘methinks’

Judiciary to be disbanded, replaced by ‘Court Of Public Opinion’ in which guilt is determined by ‘what people reckon’

Fruit machines and jukeboxes in pubs to be outlawed from Midnight tonight, & replaced by slightly out-of-tune pianos.

All men’s haircuts to be replaced with either ‘The Roger Moore’ or ‘The Bobby Charlton’ as applicable. Gel outlawed

In further haircut legislation, women will be obliged to choose ‘The Caroline Munro’ or ‘The Irene Handl’

Dangerously left-wing BBC to be replaced by UK Gold

Benefits restricted to households with a red doorstep.

Britain to break off diplomatic relations with Poundland

TV broadcasts to cease every night at 11pm with playing of National Anthem & restart at 9am with Meatloaf’s ‘Bat Out Of Hell’

Uneconomic Crown dependencies to be decommissioned and covered with a dust-sheet. Falklands closed from midnight.

To offset accusations of policies being ‘old fashioned’ Queen to ‘rap’ speech over a jaunty beat from Nick Clegg’s Casio